


A Question of Forgiveness

by notjustmom



Series: After Titan [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A lot of talking, Gen, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 13:50:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notjustmom/pseuds/notjustmom
Summary: Yes, I have fallen down the MCU rabbit hole. This piece is somewhat meta, I'm working through several Stark verses, and one thing that popped up in my brain yesterday is the conversation Stark and Rogers would have to have when Stark got home, so this is my first take on it, it may not be my last. So, yes, this is angsty, deals with Peter's death, and the events in CW, so not a lot of fun/fluff here.





	A Question of Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scrub456](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrub456/gifts).



Tony opened his eyes and blinked at the man who had fallen asleep in the chair beside his bed. At least he assumed he was asleep, though he had never actually seen Steve Rogers sleep in all the years he had known him. His eyes were closed, and his ridiculously broad shoulders had somehow slumped over, just the tiniest bit, giving him an air of vulnerability Tony had never seen in him before. At the moment he could see the ‘kid from Brooklyn’... too much like - Peter. Damn it. He could find a way to blame Rogers, of course he could, but he didn’t have to make that ridiculous suit, that all but dragged the kid onto that donut from hell and into space… he could have left him to patrol his neighborhood… he would have been...

“Tony?” Rogers was on his feet, at attention as always and he wanted to tell him to chill for once, but found he couldn’t speak. “Don’t. They have you intubated. We, they, weren’t sure you were going to wake up. Pepper -”

Tony felt himself shiver, but something in his face allowed Steve to go on.

“Pepper just went home to get changed, she hasn’t left your side for two weeks, figures you’d wait until she left the room. I’m going to get the nurse - what?”

Tony rolled his eyes and mimicked writing on a piece of paper, even after all these years out of the ice, Steve still hated smart phones, and texting, and -

“Right.” He pulled a pen from his jacket pocket and put it into Tony’s slightly trembling hand, then placed a notepad close to him and held it steady for him as he wrote out four words in his precise printing. At least that still functioned within normal parameters.

 

Why are you here?

 

Rogers looked down at the pad and dropped into the chair again. “I - to be honest, I waited until Pepper left, she’s not too fond of me.”

Tony raised an eyebrow at that, but nodded at him to continue.

“I came to ask your forgiveness.”

Tony’s eyes rolled back into his head and the alarms started blaring.

 

“Tony?”

Tony opened his eyes again to find Pepper standing by his bed.

“Steve?” He sighed as he heard the broken rasp his voice had become.

“Rogers?” Pepper asked, with more than a slight edge to her voice.

“He was here.”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t -”

“I didn’t have him arrested or shot. No, he’s waiting outside, but considering he sent you into cardiac arrest instead of getting a nurse when you woke up -”

“I need to talk to him.”

“Tony.”

“Pepper. I need to know what’s going on -” He started to shift as if he were going to get out of bed if she didn’t agree to send Steve in, so she rolled her eyes at him, pressed a kiss to his forehead and left the room.

“Sorry.” Steve mumbled once he was back in the chair again. “Shouldn’t have. It was selfish. And I’ve had time to think about - shit. I’ve never been good at this. People see me as mature, old, whatever, just because I remember box scores from the 40s. I was in my twenties when I went into the water. I didn’t age, I was in suspended animation, so -”

“You’re just an overgrown kid,” Tony muttered to himself then tried to clear his throat.

Steve shrugged, then nodded as he placed a cup of water into Tony’s hands, and watched as Tony tried to suppress a grin. “What?”

Tony took a sip of water and handed the cup back to him.“You and Peter. I think he - had a similar idea about friendship, or - I dunno, always tried to do the right thing, loyalty, maybe. He did as I asked, sometimes, other times, not so much, but he always erred - ignored me when he knew I needed help -”

“Whatever.” He tried to shake the images of the last moments of Peter’s life from his head, and briefly wondered if he had any feelings left or if they had been burned out of him on Titan. He paused and saw the raw emotions on Steve’s face and decided to let him off the hook.

“I had years to think before everything went down on Titan. I carried that damn phone you sent me everywhere, I never left the house without it, guessing Bruce finally used it? Look. I don’t know. The Accords. I was just trying to keep things from getting worse, and the thing with Bucky - my parents. Time changes things - it’s - I made mistakes. You were doing what you needed to do, you were right about most of it, but Rhodey. Peter. So much collateral damage, Steve. I don’t blame you or Bucky any more, if that helps. I’m always going to blame myself, I’m always going to wonder what more I could have done. But, forgiveness isn’t something I have the power to give you. And no, I didn’t find God or meaning out there or anything like that. No one is innocent - back when you signed up for what you signed up for - you were just trying to serve, be a part of something bigger. No one understood the consequences of all the stuff they were doing back then, or even cared, probably. Later, my dad realized his work was being used, in ways he couldn’t control, I think he regretted certain things. I did what I did when I came back from Afghanistan because as Peter once told me, ‘if you can do something, and you don’t do it, people will suffer if you choose not to do what you can do.’ Something close to that, anyway. I thought I could make up for all the deaths that I was directly/indirectly responsible for, thought I could clear my conscience… it just made me and anyone close to me a target. That’s all on me. And I will have to continue to live with it. Damn, I’m tired.”

Steve nodded. “I’ll -”

“Stay. Or don’t. Whatever…” Tony’s eyes fluttered shut and he was fast asleep. Steve stared at the floor then looked up at the open door to see Pepper standing there. He made to get up, but she shook her head and walked down the hallway, leaving them alone again.

“What I did in Siberia, with the shield. I knew it was wrong as I lifted it above my head. I did. I couldn’t stop, Tony. I’d never been angry, not really angry until that moment. I wasn’t even angry at you. I understood. Too well. You -”

“I had become the face of everything that made you what you had become,” Tony muttered under his breath. His eyes were still closed and for the first time since he’d been back, Steve noticed how grey his hair had become, how fragile he seemed. He could only guess what it had been like for Tony, to see everyone around him turn to ash, and not know if anyone he loved had survived. Somehow Tony’s words registered and he nodded his head sharply.

“Yeah. I guess so. I just know had our places been reversed, I don't think I could have stopped. You stopped. You let us go.” He paused and the old familiar grin spread over his face. “My first impression of you. So much like Howard. No. I know, you are nothing like him. It was just you had the same swagger, same smart mouth, and I knew you hated my guts before you said a word. And yet, you gave me a chance.”

“Wasn’t given much of a choice,” Tony whispered, as he played with the edge of the blanket that did little to take the edge off the chill he felt like a solid presence on his chest.

“You had a choice, Tony.”

“I knew you were needed, Cap. You were necessary, and my dad loved you, as much as he could love anyone.”

Tony rubbed his face with his hands and mumbled out, “I guess I figured… honestly, don’t know what I figured. I’ve never killed a friend before, not someone I trusted in the way I way trusted you. Obie. I never really trusted him and he wasn’t a friend, not really. After New York, I thought, maybe, for the first time in my life, I had a family, a purpose; and then the visions, nightmares, whatever you want to call ‘em, they started and I was on my own. My fault. I didn’t want to seem weak, I thought if I just kept working, it would be enough.” 

He shifted to sit up and waved Steve off. “I couldn’t, I would never have killed you, maybe I could have killed Barnes at that moment, though I would have felt bad about it eventually. What I can’t forgive is what happened to Peter; and that’s on me as much as it is on anyone else. No, I know, I couldn’t stop him from doing what he did, armies probably couldn’t have stopped him, just Thanos. But he was just a kid. He never gave up, Cap. I held him as he was trying to hold himself together, I felt the pain he was in, like it was my own. He’s gone, Steve, and he was a better human being at 17 than either of us were, could, or ever will be. I’m done.”

“I know.”


End file.
